Well, to explain what I am talking about you will have to read further. I had my lumpectomy coming up on 8 years ago in the spring after my cancer diagnosis. I did have the oncotype testing done and actually fell in the middle category which in my estimation is a H---hole as a decision has to be made as to whether or not you do have chemotherapy. I did think and pray about it and decided that I didn't want to be 5 years down the road and saying should have, could have or would have so I jumped in and did the chemotherapy and in fact radiation too and also took 5 years of arimidex which catches you up till now. In the past couple years I have had what I call near misses, meaning I have my usual testing done and then they need more testing and then a biopsy and at this point I either have had three or four biopsies and truthfully, I think I have blocked it out of my mind as I truthfully can't remember. I do know there are three markers in my breast to mark where they had taken a biopsy and had concern. Now, keep in mind this is not the usual as that would just be testing and nothing more till the next testing to be done which is usually every six months or every year. That brings us to now, and I recently had a Breast MRI with biopsy after doing some other tests before that which brought us to the conclusion that there was a reason to question the findings. Now I can truthfully say that biopsies as far as pain goes, well it isn't the worse thing I have ever experienced, I have had more pain from a broken heart at various times in my life than when I have had this but the degree of discomfort bodes for getting it done quickly and moving on. So the biopsy was the day before my birthday I always vow not to tell anyone and then as it gets closer and my nerves get frazzled, I tell a few people here and there. I have been down this road before and with some, their support helps but others that just say it will be fine, well that leaves me a bit cold. I mean how many times can you dodge a bullet? Is this the time that will be my undoing and they tell me I have a reoccurence? I shut down and go numb and push through the days until an answer comes. Well, the answer did come and as I was at my desk at work , two fellow coworkers were there and asked if I wanted them to leave and I said no. My mind flashed to a movie I had recently seen and how the family vowed to stay by the beside of their ill father and someone would always hold his hand and he would never be alone and he would get better, and he did and what he remembered was that someone always held his hand. I guess I needed or wanted some form of that. As I listened to the doctor say that it was almost certainly benign, my mind just did not comprehend. This doctor and another involved in my case had prepared me for the fact I would be facing a probable mastectomy and I was still wrapping my head around that. He said the words benign, but almost certainly slowed me down a bit. I got off the phone and gave a thumbs up and the two coworkers broke out in tears and jumped up and down. Myself, I just sat there, numbed by the whole experience. So no mastectomy, I am ok, back to life, no second guessing and no contacting surgeons and applying for medical leave and no rearranging schedules and yes I can pick up my grandkids still and yes I have my life. That was just a smattering of what was going on in my head. I worried about my son in NY that I had been so focused on me that maybe I was not meeting his needs, I thought I about my son in North Carolina and knew his response was I told you so but he has no idea about what happened in my head till I got that message. I thought about the son in Dubai and how surely it would torment him to the point of him making life career changes to be here if the news had been different and I thought about my daughter in FL who is so ready to be married and have children that I was afraid I would never see her children when they come, and a son in Idaho who is looking to finish his schooling and military career and start a family of his own and how I want to be here to see that as well and my loving husband, what would he do with all the things we are involved with in our lives as we look to retirement sometime in the future. YES, I dodged the bullet but I rattled the cobwebs upstairs and have many issues and concerns that resurfaced in the process but, today is another day and I am back at work and no one knows that in my brain the hamster wheel is turning and things are still being revisited and the lingering thought is, how long can I dodge that bullet? I am smiling, I am here another day, and I have many holding my hand. I will make it a great day! S
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AuthorMy name is Sue Kilburn and I am a clinical nurse breast cancer educator at the Yolanda G. Barco Oncology Institute in Meadville, Pennsylvania. Archives
March 2015
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