We can all talk about our journeys and that each of us has faced innumerable odds with highs and lows to get us where we are today. I am no expert by any means on how to handle what life throws at us and I stand firm in saying that I don’t believe we never get more than we can handle but there are those that support us through the tough times and help us shoulder the burdens and faith abides.
From the time we hear the “C” word, our world no longer is our own. Fear overcomes us and questions fly at us in our heads anytime, day or night. Some of our concerns we discuss and many we don’t even want to say out loud because that just might make it happen. We are now running the marathon of our lives. I often relate (during treatment) about being tired, so tired that it wasn’t that I didn’t want to breathe, I was just too tired but, breathe – I did. I made it through the tests, biopsy, surgery, chemo, radiation, the therapy that followed in the form of a pill every day for five years. I have done every check and recheck and every follow-up that is needed. I follow what I am directed to do for the most part but I am human and stray sometimes outside the bounds.
Every survivor I have ever met, asks” how do I deal with the unknown and if it will come back?’ I struggle with that as well, sometimes more than others but I live each day, every day. I work with patients every day asking the same questions, dealing with the same fears and questioning what is next. I didn’t ask why me, but why not me ? We all have problems and concerns and family and health issues and so much more to deal with and no one seems to be immune. So I got cancer, someone else had a heart attack or diabetes, or lost their job or their spouse or many, many more trials and tribulations that we all have just in this crazy game called life. The big trick is how to move forward. Survivorship is that, surviving and thriving. Do I have fears when it is time to have another test, I would be lying if I denied it. It is not something that I burden others with, as we have all been there and done that and heard it before. I do have a friend that has stuck by me through thick and thin and I can verbalize that today is my test day and she gets it. Not saying that I don’t have the most supportive husband in the world, the answer to that is that we have been married thirty years and he deserves a medal for honor and duty above all expectations. His concept of what is going on, is just that-his concept. It makes me think of how differently men and women communicate and just having cancer does not change that. Every day that I am working I see other warriors/ heroes that are facing their own battles with cancer and some of them are breast cancer and many more with various other cancers. Talk about the great leveler! You know the saying that it could be worse? Well I see better and worse each day and I see the strength of each individual whether they are angry or sad or laughing or being quiet, they are facing their survivorship in their way. I am not one to say that it is right or wrong. I do believe that a person has to hold onto being positive and to find humor wherever they can. I laugh because it is better than crying. I look for those moments that we can share as you are getting your treatment. I listen to your concerns. I do what I would want someone to do for me if I am in that situation of dealing with cancer ever again. I do believe that having worked hospice years ago, laid the groundwork for what I think and do today. I do believe that we have to find moments to celebrate each and every day. I know of ladies that had hair cutting and hat parties when they were losing their hair. I have heard of picnics on the patient’s bed so that they could celebrate the day. I have seen patients watch really silly movies during treatment or those that listen to music reflectively and those that talk non-stop and those that curl up in their prayer shawl or lap robe and close their eyes and sleep to get past the difficulties of the day.
Forty six years ago I started my paid career in medicine as a nurse’s aide and I recall the day that an older patient was in his bed and rang his bell and asked me to sit with him while he smoked (yes, you could smoke in the hospital in those days) and he asked me to smoke with him. I could hardly refuse as I knew his time was ending. He lit both cigarettes and gave me one. I looked at it and pondered what to do when he took several puffs, coughed and died. Needless to say, that is an impression that has lived with me throughout my career and you might say how appalling to be smoking at the end of your life especially since that was what had gotten you to where you are at that point, but I look at it as his choice of how he wanted to have his remaining time spent.
I have chosen to move ahead, be happy, try to leave things better than I found them, help others , do random acts of kindness, treat others as I would want to be treated and to enjoy what I am, who I am, and where I am going. Survivorship is a word that means so many different things to so many different people and your definition may even change as you go through the different phases of your life. I think we all hope for grace and love and happiness and a quality of life that brings peace. As I get older, I appreciate the selflessness and compassion of the patients that I have a privilege to know and work with and hope that I have learned more from their lives and examples and the goodness of humanity than any text could provide. Yes, I am a survivor, aren’t we all?
Today, nearly 14 million people are living with cancer or have survived the disease! Cancer touches each and every one of us. Our families, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, peers, and even our pets are dealing with cancer. Cancer takes time and energy and support. I hope you can lend your help to those that are in need during these critical times. Cancer changes each and every one of us as we look to our own mortality and what we want and how we want to face our futures.