My hope may be that I am cured or it may be that I go to heaven when my time is near and who knows when that really is. My hope and faith keeps me strong and even at the weakest moments, I know that I still have hope. I can see in others, the faith that we all need and want. I can see the peace and serenity in holding on to hope and I can see that love is what binds it all together. Whether today is my last day or ten years from now, I will share each day as a blessing and give the love I receive back two fold. My hope is that if you need it, you will open yourself up to receive it and make it a great day!. S
Where do you look for answers and hope when you are facing the word, CANCER? There is a fine line between too little information and too much. I recall, even as a nurse, that when I heard the words breast cancer that almost all the information they were relaying to me at the time, just seemed to float off into the air and I only grasped a small portion of the information they were telling me including all the tests and appointments that were to follow. I do remember immediately saying that this wasn't going to be my end. That was a conscious decision on my part as the words kept coming. I was devastated and yet almost numb to what it meant to me at the time. The unknown of what to follow took me to the things that were familiar: the last patient I had that had cancer, what my grandmother looked like after her mastectomy, a friend that lymphedema. My big question remained was how to find hope and fight the negativity inside myself as well as others who thought they were sharing and helping by telling me how their mother had suffered and died from breast cancer, or another person who relayed how her best friend was so sick during her chemo and all the reactions she had experienced. I decided then and there to cut the negativity out completely. If a person couldn't be positive, I moved on or asked them to not discuss that with me. I believe in positive thinking and finding a happy medium as we can't always be up with the daily processes we have to go through but if I knew I could limit that negativity and fight back by being positive, well then dag gum - I was going to do it. My vanity fell away very rapidly and I could have cared less if you saw me with a wig or with a naked head after my hair was gone. Really, it is only hair! I did experience some pain but I will say that I have gone through worse and I am not a great candidate for pain control as most of those meds either make me goofy or give me a reaction so I also decided different techniques to deal with the pain would be in order. I often called my cancer, brussel sprouts as I hate brussel sprouts and I could visualize throwing those brussel sprouts out and being rid of them(Cancer). I prayed, ALOT and put it in my higher power's hands that his will be done. I also bargained on some days that if I got through this treatment, I would cut out eating junk. I will admit I am better at this but not completely weaned from the stuff. I found hope through those that had gone before me and looked and acted normal and had 20 years of survivorship under their belt. Hope came from friends, family, and specifically my spouse who stood by me through it all. The times I could sit still during treatment, the crying of exhaustion and wanting the end of the treatment and of having to deal with this all and my lunacy at laughing at the silly things. People would ask if I liked being bald, "Really- yes, it takes me far less time to get ready in the morning." Now honestly, isn't that one of the dumbest questions you ever heard!
My hope may be that I am cured or it may be that I go to heaven when my time is near and who knows when that really is. My hope and faith keeps me strong and even at the weakest moments, I know that I still have hope. I can see in others, the faith that we all need and want. I can see the peace and serenity in holding on to hope and I can see that love is what binds it all together. Whether today is my last day or ten years from now, I will share each day as a blessing and give the love I receive back two fold. My hope is that if you need it, you will open yourself up to receive it and make it a great day!. S
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AuthorMy name is Sue Kilburn and I am a clinical nurse breast cancer educator at the Yolanda G. Barco Oncology Institute in Meadville, Pennsylvania. Archives
March 2015
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